My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
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When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I just ran a .003048K
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?