Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
yeah 😭
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR