One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
You Might Also Like
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Nothing.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.