Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
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No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.