Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
m’lady
😂😂
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.