Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I could鈥檝e been a doctor. OK, so I don鈥檛 have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how鈥檇 you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
GUY: I think I鈥檓 done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 馃槒
– me flirting
I鈥檇 be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn鈥檛 go to medical school of any kind.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that鈥檚 a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I鈥檓 pretty sure it鈥檚 a Ferrari.
Coworker: How鈥檚 your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace