“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
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I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Try and stop me.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
can’t catch a break
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.