[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
You Might Also Like
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Best spot.. 😅
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*