It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
A classic…
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
finally
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks