My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
You Might Also Like
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I occasionally drink every single night.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
umm…
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.