I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
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Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Saturday
getting old is fun
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.