Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.