If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.