“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…