Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
2023 was just a warmup
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!