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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m good, thanks.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
This forever.
Breaking news:
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”