[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
this is the best interaction on twitter
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.