The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I wish I could veto my bills.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…