[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.