Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
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watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”