[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
You Might Also Like
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The human personality is made of five key elements
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.