looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.