If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
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I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
the answer was staring at me all along
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”