Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.