I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
You Might Also Like
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.