You Might Also Like
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.