I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras