Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Every photo I’m tagged in
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready