oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
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I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo