coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
never deleting this app.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing