{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.