Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
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[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN