Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.