Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*