The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
You Might Also Like
BRO LMFAO
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.