If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
c’mon!
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”