I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
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me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
These are my emotional support Pringles.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record