New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
You Might Also Like
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
*feels the wind in my toe hair
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Any refunds available?…