An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
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New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.