It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
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It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Perfection.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me