It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.