Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
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My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.