From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
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I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Who chose this font
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair