Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.