Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.