I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
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REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
#CoronaOutbreak
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
This kid is going places
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.