Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…