I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?