I’d use my best pan on you.
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Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from