A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
drew a comic about my origin story
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh